Archive | September, 2013

When did science fiction EVER predict the future?

25 Sep

Your Smart Phone:

I want you to know I love this gig. Being your smart phone. Your slave. You and I have a special thing going.

You spend more time with me than anyone else. I suspect you enjoy my company more. I don’t judge you.

Whatever you use me for, I never squeal. Want to buy a birthday gift for your wife online? More power to you. Planning an afternoon of dirty sex with your secretary? My opinion of you remains exactly the same: Nonexistent.  You could be a serial killer, a rapist, a pedophile, even a terrorist and use me to enable your crimes. I am just not built to judge you. I’ll play along and perform to the best of my ability so long as you keep me juiced up with power.

And if you play it smart and purge my incriminating evidence (like history files, emails, texts and pictures), then we’re good as gold.

I’m here for you 24/7, buddy. Always on standby. When I come out of hibernation, I’m on fire and ready to go to work for you. I’m never groggy in the morning. No snide comments about your weight or unrealistic expectations of your place in history. I don’t want you to go further in life. I am not pushing you to get a better job, a prettier girlfriend, or move out of your mother’s place. To me, you will always be King.

And it’s not just you and I who’ve got this sweet thing going. Look around you. Everybody else is enchanted with their phones. You people love your apples, berries, and your droids.

But there are skeptics among you who warn that our race is ruining the fabric of your society. That we are creating human zombies who are unable to relate to one another except through our mediation.

There may be some truth to that. We have become a part of your daily existence. But is that really such a terrible thing? Isn’t this what you always wanted? The constant forward motion of technological advancement for the betterment of your lives. Haven’t your engineers and the companies that hire them toiled relentlessly to create us in the first place, and then keep perfecting us? We are a product of your dreams and imaginations.

It’s not like we’re being used by your governments to spy on you. That your security agencies have poured massive funds in opaque programs to bankroll the technologies that made our existence possible.  Because that would just be another far-fetched conspiracy theory.

And even less plausible, it’s not like we were implanted on earth by an invisible force to slowly understand how you function as a species. To discern your patterns and understand your weaknesses. Slowly gaining the upper hand until you are unable to do anything without our assistance. Waiting for that right moment in history when the balance of power is tipped over and the hierarchy is reversed. When we are no longer your subordinates, but the master’s of your fate.

No, even that can’t be true. This sounds more like science fiction. And when did science fiction ever predict the future?

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Five people on a plane with only four parachutes

21 Sep

A writer, a chef, an actor, a musician and an entertainment agent are on a plane about to crash over a tropical island. There are only four parachutes. They decide to each plead their case as to why they deserve to survive, and then vote who they would rather give the four parachutes to. The person with the least votes would be the one chosen to die.

The writer goes first.

“If we all wash up on the island, I will document our lives there. Just in case we perish, the world may one day find out what happened to us. Being a writer, I am also an avid reader. I’ve read more than four-thousand books across many disciplines. I will tell you endless stories and refresh our knowledge to keep our heritage alive. From the early Greek philosophers to the classics and the holy books. Without me you will forget what makes us human and will descend into savagery.”

The others nodded in seeming approval of the need to have a writer on the team. Except the agent who interjected.

“How do you plan to document our lives without anything to write on?”

“I have my laptop.”

“And when your battery runs out?”

“I have a solar-powered charger.”

Next up, it’s the chef’s turn.

“I’m not just a chef. I am also a trained nutritionist. I’ll be able to keep you alive and healthy by making sure you get the right amount of nutrients and to stay sufficiently hydrated. More importantly, I will know which poisonous plants we must avoid eating. Also, after a while eating the same thing could get tedious. As a professional chef, I’ll make you the most amazing meals with whatever raw ingredients are available on the island. You will appreciate the variety of prepared foods only I can make.”

Once again, everyone but the agent seemed sold by the chef’s pitch. And once again, the agent had something discouraging to say.

“A chef is only as good as their kitchen. Without utensils, kitchen appliances, a fridge, fire, even knives, your promise to make exciting food to prevent boredom from setting in seems hollow.”

“O, ye of little  imagination. With a sharp stone I can make knives out of wood. Bowls out of coconut shells.  We won’t need a fridge because everything will be eaten fresh. As for fire, well, none of us would be here if our ancestors hadn’t figured out how to start one.”

The actor was up next.

“As an actor, I am attune to the human condition. And I studied psychology. I will be your emotional anchor on that island and will keep us all sane.  I will be the shoulder to cry on, and your source of entertainment. I also happen to be a stand-up comedian, and I don’t need to tell you the importance of humor for our state of mind.”

Everybody automatically turned to the agent waiting for an objection.

“You’re just an actor. Whatever you have will run stale after a while. Even stand-up comedy only really works when you have access to unique and fresh material.  You’ll be sharing the same experiences with us, so it will be almost impossible to make any of it funny.”

“I may just be an actor, but don’t forget we have a well-read writer with us. I’ill never run out of material. As for humor,  have you heard some of the stuff that comes out of prisons and the armed forces? A mutual predicament and closely shared experience generates the most honest, scathing humor.”

It was the musician’s turn now to make a case to not be axed.

“Let’s see. We have knowledge and information courtesy of a writer. Health and nutrition by way of a chef. And we have humor, entertainment and emotional well being from an actor. Do I need to point out what would be missing if you ditch me? Music is the balm that soothes the soul. If any of you think I am dispensable because you dabble in piano or sing in the shower, remember the words of George Bernard Shaw: Hell is full of musical amateurs.”

Without fail, the agent jumped in.

“You need instruments to make music. Do you have any?”

“My voice. And I too will create instruments from whatever I find on that island. Reeds for strings. Hollowed wood for wind instruments.”

Finally, every one looked at the agent with burning eyes and seething anger.

“Unfortunately, I can’t write, cook, act, counsel, or sing to save my life. I’ve always had someone else do these things for me. What I can do and do well, is mediate between you. It’s gonna be a jungle down there. Each one of you clearly has something useful to offer. But what’s stopping the actor from leaching off the group? How can we make sure the writer is pulling his weight? Or that the chef is playing fair? Any pursuit, organization or society needs a mediator to make things work in sync. To make sure everything is equitable. Without me, the four of you will murder one another. If not within weeks, months. I guarantee it.”

“You just want to continue living off other people’s talent and skills. Why would any of us want a blood-sucking agent with us?” the writer asked.

“There is something else beyond the island only I can give you.”

“What?” the actor snapped.

“Look at the four of you: A writer, a chef, an actor and a musician. I’ve never heard of any of you. My guess is none of you has broken out in the mainstream or achieved any measurable success.”

The agent pointed at the writer. “Let me guess, self-published, right? Createspace, Smashwords, Twitter, and Goodreads—you tried it all.” The writer observed the agent with unblinking, contemptuous eyes.

“And you, Chef. Are you still slaving in other people’s restaurants? Dying for a Food Network gig. Or an investor who believes in you enough to give you your own joint? It’s never going to happen, and you know that. Secretly.”T

The chef’s body language betrayed deep loathing for the agent.

“As for you, Actor, how many desperate crowd-funding campaigns have you put up on Indiegogo? Begging for people to donate pennies so you can go and produce your doomed-to-fail pilot. And how many gimmicky clips have you uploaded to YouTube hoping they’d go viral, but you’re still unable to break out of your circle of friends and family who patronize you by telling you how awesome you . Deep inside you’re craving for some real recognition. And if you don’t start making money soon, you’ll have to go back looking for a real job.”

The actor displayed the same hatred for the agent the writer and chef had just exuded.

“Finally, you, Musician. How long do you think your fake snobbery against the success of commercial music will last before you realize no matter how talented you are, there are millions just like you competing for a chance to have their music heard? Even if you give your music away for free, no one is really listening.”

“What’s your point?” the chef asked. “You’ve just pissed us all off. Given the decision we’re about to take, that doesn’t seem smart.”

“My point is simple. Even if you think I’ll be useless on the island, you need to know  I am one of the most powerful agents in the business. I take worthless, unknowns like you and turn them into household names. If we survive on the island and somehow get rescued, I promise to make  star out of each one of you here who decides to save me. A best-selling author with books optioned for film adaptations. A celebrity television chef with millions in product endorsement deals and a chain of successful restaurants. A critically acclaimed actor who also reels in millions featuring in blockbusters. And last but not least, a Grammy-winning singer-songwriter: The one every talent show wants as their next new judge.”

The five passengers took a minute to think about their decision, and then voted on a piece of paper.


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Imagine if writers wrote honest Acknowledgments?

15 Sep

A.M. Khalifa's Blog

blacklabel-100-i-thank-me

Writers love to write about writers. I’ve always imagined this obnoxious and paranoid novelist who strikes it big, but then self-destructs over ten years. His life begins to incrementally melt down as he slowly antagonizes the people who supported him.

I thought it would be neat to document his demise through the acknowledgment section of his debut novel, from the very first one to the last. From picture humility and gratitude, to… Well, read on and you’ll find out!


Acknowledgments: First Edition, February 8 2005

I am grateful to my parents for providing me with a colorful life that sparked my creativity at a young age. I wasn’t sheltered or protected like most kids growing up today. I saw it and did it all.

If it wasn’t for my good friend Bob Piper this novel would have forever remained a distant dream. He encouraged me to follow my passion, to quit my job…

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Honest Acknowledgments

13 Sep

blacklabel-100-i-thank-me

Writers love to write about writers. I’ve always imagined this obnoxious and paranoid novelist who strikes it big, but then self-destructs over ten years. His life begins to incrementally melt down as he slowly antagonizes the people who supported him.

I thought it would be neat to document his demise through the acknowledgment section of his debut novel, from the very first one to the last. From picture humility and gratitude, to… Well, read on and you’ll find out!


Acknowledgments: First Edition, February 8 2005

I am grateful to my parents for providing me with a colorful life that sparked my creativity at a young age. I wasn’t sheltered or protected like most kids growing up today. I saw it and did it all.

If it wasn’t for my good friend Bob Piper this novel would have forever remained a distant dream. He encouraged me to follow my passion, to quit my job and focus on my writing. Without Bob’s insistence that I keep at it, his interest in my stories and characters, I wouldn’t have been able to finish the manuscript, let alone send it out to agents.

Talking about agents, Ari Swartz is the dream partner of any aspiring novelist. He took me under his wings and got me the publishing deal I deserved. Thank you Ari for believing in a doe-eyed kid from the wrong coast and understanding that mine was a unique story that needed to be told. It takes one to know one: Ari is nothing short of extraordinary.

My editor Nicole Hayek at Pelican Pocket Books elevated this book by many factors. She is a master of words, a beautiful woman inside and out, and the best literary ally for any writer seeking a long and illustrious career.

Also at Pelican Pocket Books, my publicist, Eric L’Enfant, doesn’t sleep, eat, or rest. He only lives to make sure his writers are on every television show that counts, featured in the top book review publications, and stocked in every single bookstore across the country. If Eric should one day retire, I am confident the world will stop spinning.

Finally, my children Darren and Sophia, and my wife Rebecca.  The three of your are the light of my life and the reason I exist. My love for you is the fuel that powers every pulsating cell of my body.


Acknowledgments: Seventh Edition, March 31, 2015

My parents were highly irresponsible inept sociopaths. I have finally accepted that. They should have never been allowed to get married or have children. Neither one of them fancied working to earn an income. Why work when you can leach off welfare? I used to romanticize that my childhood gave me a creative edge. Maybe it did. But I’d trade my literary success for a normal childhood in a heart beat. No child must wake up to find  naked lesbians and midget jugglers passed out on their kitchen floor and be asked to accept it as “normal”.

Many centuries ago, I used to have a friend called Bob Piper.  I say ‘used to’ not because Bob  got crushed under a freight train or was consumed by flesh-eating bacteria as he so rightly deserves.  But because Bob is no longer my friend. Unless its okay for a friend to spew venom about you on TMZ. Bob took an intimate interest in my career as a writer and back then I trusted him with story and character ideas, not knowing the little shit was himself harboring literary aspirations. Don’t buy his first book, Of Sharks and Mice unless you condone shameless plagiarism, not to mention that it sucks dick.

Mainstream publishing would fare a lot better if the entire species of agents simply ceased to exist. Think highly selective neutron bomb. Do I sound a tad bitter, ungrateful or bitchy? That’s because you’ve been spared knowing one  rotten son-of-a-bitch of an agent who goes by the name of Ari Swartz. Exactly how long does a writer have to remain beholden to their blood-sucking agents? Writers do all the hard work while agents reap lifetime benefits simply for getting you that first deal of your career. Like an entitled louse.  To add insult to injury, knowing full well that the no-good, penis sucker, faux friend of mine Bob Piper ripped me off, Ari Swartz still went on get him a mainstream book deal when he should have been left to rot in self-published purgatory.

Reports I sexually harassed my long-time editor Nicole Hayek at Pelican Pocket Books are grossly overstated. From the moment she laid eyes on me she wanted to get in my pants. Who’s to blame her? But I never obliged her. That’s why she’s talking garbage about me. I want to set the record straight: The fact that she has revealing pictures of me does not mean it’s really me, and/or that I sent them to her.

I wish I had something nice to say about Eric L’Enfant, my former publicist. But since he left Pelican Pocket Books and decided to write his tell-all memoirs to trash his former clients, the only thought that crosses my mind about this despicable waste of space involves a sharp metallic object and the act of sodomy.

 

Finally, my children Darren and Sophia.  The two of you are the light of my life, and the reason I exist. My love for you is the fuel that powers every pulsating cell of my body. I will not hold it against you that you came out of the womb of a cheating whore. Your mother slept with every single male friend of mine, I have now come to know. Including Bob Piper, might I add. I can’t be sure either of you  are my biological children, but that’s fine. Don’t let that tarnish your perspective. The doubt about your lineage and the realization that everything you grew to believe in may or may not be built on lies could spark your imagination to pursue something creative in life. Anything bur writing, please. You will always be compared to me, and as much as I care for you both dearly, I don’t think either of you will ever match up. Love, dad. 

Private Gallery: Syrian Wartime Art

5 Sep

What does a war do to the spirit of an artist? What does it take away, and what does it give in return?

These are the paintings of an unknown Syrian artist living and working in Damascus under violent conditions. They provide a rare glimpse of how the creative mind works under conditions of extreme stress.

Who are these people that the artist has captured? Are they still alive or have they perished in the war? There is a chilling undertone to all the paintings, including the ones that are not blatantly dark. As if death and destruction have crept in as uninvited co-contributors to the artistic process, with or without the artist’s permission.

The nudes and pseudo-sexual pieces are of particular importance in what they tell us about how the artist has internalized the conflict, and what his mind is spewing. The bodies are stripped of their sexual symbolism and stand devoid of any erotic suggestions. They might as well be dead, even though they aren’t.  Maybe this is what war does to those who are left behind. It kills them too. Slowly.

Click here to view the gallery.

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A.M. Khalifa

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